ACOA Traits: Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Growing up in a house where a parent misuses alcohol often exposes children to unpredictable circumstances. While some days may be fine, children of alcoholic parents quickly learn that they can’t always depend on their parents being stable from one moment to the next. Living in a world that is full of instability can cause children to develop certain personality traits that last long into adulthood.

Although not everyone exhibits all of these common traits, it’s important for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) to understand why they may act or feel certain ways. As you read through these characteristics, remember that the specific traits and their severity can vary from one person to another. You’ll also want to note that support is available to help you or your loved one heal from the adverse effects of living with a parent who misused alcohol.

Common Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Living in a constant state of chaos can cause children to develop coping mechanisms that show up in their personalities and actions. Once you begin exploring these characteristics, remember to take some time to reflect on how they may appear in your or a loved one’s life.

Experiencing Difficulty With Intimacy and Relationships

As a child, one of your closest relationships is with your parents. If alcohol misuse causes your parent to make poor decisions or act inconsistently, it can interfere with your ability to bond. Once you grow up, you may experience these challenges in your relationships:

• Having trouble with trusting others, often stemming from a fear of abandonment.
• Experiencing difficulty with setting healthy boundaries, which can be a hallmark of codependency.
• Being attracted to people with similar issues, sometimes driven by unresolved childhood patterns.
• The difficulty with intimacy can also be connected to dependent personalities, and their need to always have a partner.

Having Low Self-Esteem and Personal Criticism

If you’ve ever described yourself as being your harshest critic, then this character trait likely rings true for you as an ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic). In an effort to gain your parent’s attention or counteract the negative effects of their drinking, you might have turned to approval-seeking behaviors. Dealing with low self-worth can also cause you to feel inadequate or worthless. These low feelings may also make it hard to accept compliments or praise, even when you know you did an amazing job.

Struggling With Emotional Challenges

The traumas that you experience living with alcoholic parents can also impact your ability to feel or regulate your emotions. Some people may overreact to minor stressors after always being primed to deal with a worst-case scenario. You might also find your emotional state going in the opposite direction by reacting with numbness or a sense of detachment in stressful situations.

Dealing With Control Issues

Being in a home with alcoholic parents might have led you to feel as though you were on a constant roller coaster. Never knowing when you are going to face a parent’s poor mood or sudden change of behavior can leave you feeling a lack of control. Once you grow up, you may face a need to never let yourself feel that way again. Needing to control situations or people or trying to be overly responsible or perfect today can be a sign of your struggles in the past. This can be a sign of a developing compulsive personality.

A Fear of Authority Figures

Having difficulty with people in positions of power can stem from several sources. You might be afraid of facing harsh criticism like you did from your parents. Or, you might respond to authority figures with people-pleasing behaviors that leave you burnt out. Either way, it’s important to get to the root of your fear of people in positions of power to help you advance in your career and other areas of your life. This can also show how past family members actions still effect the present.

Being Unable to Avoid Lying or Dishonesty

Sadly, you might have learned this character trait after watching a parent who struggles with alcohol addiction try to hide or justify their behavior. When you were a child, you might have also turned to dishonesty to protect yourself from a parent’s overly harsh responses or punishment.

In some cases, you might even find it hard to be honest with yourself about things that occur in your life. Learning how to face the world with truth and honesty helps you to mend romantic relationships and develop a sense of trust with the people you love.

Engaging in Risky or Impulsive Behaviors

If you’ve always been a daredevil, then this might come from living in an unstable childhood environment. While it is perfectly fine to take safe risks such as applying for a new job or asking a new friend out to lunch, it’s worrisome if your impulsiveness leads to you being in harm’s way.

Unfortunately, ACoAs are at higher risk for substance use disorders. Using alcohol or other substances to mask your painful emotions is an unhealthy coping mechanism that can lead you astray. Whether you jump from one relationship to another or drink more than you want, seeking professional treatment can help you tame your impulsiveness. This can also be caused by the lack of focus on own needs.

Facing Difficulty With Change

Life is full of changes, and feeling resistant to new experiences can hold you back from taking that new job offer or moving to a new location. Having a predictable routine is healthy, but this is only true if you are also capable of facing changes that lead to new and happier opportunities. If you’re feeling stuck or stagnant, then talking to a therapist could help you identify hangups that stand in the way of your success.

Isolating or Feeling Lonely

Children with parents who misuse alcohol sometimes isolate during their loved one’s drinking binges. You might have also been isolated as a child due to embarrassment about your family dynamics or from being afraid to have a friend witness your parent’s erratic behavior.

In a support group for adult children with alcoholic parents, you’ll find that you no longer feel different or misunderstood. Giving your inner child a sense of support is a powerful way to begin healing. This healing process is a way to overcome the negative traits of an adult child.

Staying In a Hypervigilant State

Being constantly on guard and waiting for something bad to happen is exhausting. If you’re unable to feel safe or relaxed, then you could also be robbed of the ability to feel joyful in the present moment. Learning how to calm your nervous system through deep breathing, yoga, talk therapy and other relaxation methods can help you begin getting more out of the good moments that are happening in your life.

Recognizing the Impact of Childhood Trauma

Growing up in a dysfunctional homes leads to characteristics such as low self-esteem that influence your behaviors. Witnessing the effects of alcohol addiction on your parents is upsetting as a young child. Back then, you likely felt confused, afraid and even angry at the issues that your dysfunctional family faced.

Acknowledging the childhood trauma that you experienced is one of the first steps toward moving forward in your life. Finding healthy ways to process your early trauma allows you to begin building new character traits that work better for helping you to meet your goals for better mental health.

Opening Up to Healing and Recovery

Although you can’t change the past, you can begin making changes today that give you a happier future. Recovery is possible for ACoAs, even if you struggle with substance abuse, alcohol use disorder, or other challenges with your mental health.

At an addiction treatment and recovery center, you’ll find a wealth of programs, including outpatient services, detox programs, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), designed to help you heal and improve your mental health. Family therapy can provide an opportunity to connect with your parent on neutral territory, allowing you to work through your challenges together. You might also want to include your child in therapy sessions to help prevent generational trauma.

Support groups such as ACA offer a safe environment to discuss your experiences as a child and your life as an adult. Having your feelings validated and gaining acceptance is empowering, and you’ll feel stronger as you actively engage in your recovery.

If your childhood trauma has led you to develop alcohol abuse or other substance use disorders, treatment can provide healthier coping strategies. If you resonate with any characteristics of being an ACoA, seek professional support. Knowing there is a community of people who understand your struggles can help you rebuild your self-esteem and make meaningful progress toward better mental health and relationships.

Find Help for Overcoming the Challenges of Being an ACoA

Although you might feel alone right now, many people understand the unique challenges faced by ACoAs. Whether you notice difficulties in your relationships or struggle with substance abuse yourself, it helps to know that caring professionals are ready to guide you through your journey of healing and personal growth.

As you explore how your past influences your present, remember to prioritize self-compassion and self-acceptance. At Illinois Recovery Center, our compassionate team offers outpatient care, detox programs, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), all tailored to support your healing journey. Reach out to us today to connect with professionals who can help you take the next step in your recovery.

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