Dating an Alcoholic: What You Need To Know

According to the World Health Organization, 7% of the world’s population, which translates to approximately 400 million people, struggle with alcohol addiction. And while much is known about the experiences of people struggling with alcoholism, there’s far less attention given to the challenges faced by their partners.

This article discusses the reality of dating an alcoholic, including the signs of alcoholism and how to support a person struggling with alcohol addiction. 

What’s It Like Dating an Alcoholic?

When someone imagines a person with alcohol addiction, they might picture someone who’s constantly intoxicated, unemployed, and haggard. But the truth is, many who struggle with alcohol addiction appear “normal” on the outside. They hold full-time jobs, maintain social lives, and even be charming and high-functioning in many areas. 

Therefore, the answer to the question “What’s it like dating an alcoholic?” isn’t so straightforward. Some people describe it as a rollercoaster: full of emotional highs and deep lows. Others feel like they’re constantly fighting an alcohol bottle for attention. Experiences vary from person to person.

What makes these experiences similar is that they all tend to carry a heavy emotional toll. Even when love and connection exist, they’re often overshadowed by the unpredictable nature of substance abuse.

People seeking advice on forums like r/AlAnon and r/alcoholicsanonymous often share feelings of isolation, frustration, and helplessness as they try to balance love with the reality of addiction.

The recurring advice is for partners to establish their own limits and remember that they can’t “fix” an alcoholic. And, we concur. It’s perfectly reasonable to love the person but hate the disease, and it’s just as reasonable, even necessary, to put your emotional well-being first.

Staying in a relationship with a person suffering from addiction doesn’t make you weak or foolish, and choosing to walk away doesn’t make you selfish.

What Are the Signs of Alcoholism?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It often starts with one bottle shared over dinner or a few drinks after work, then gradually becomes a daily habit, a coping mechanism, or a way to escape stress. As tolerance builds and quantity increases, drinking starts to take priority over responsibilities, relationships, and even self-care.

If you’re unsure whether your partner is an alcoholic or becoming an alcoholic, watch out for these signs:

• Their social life revolves around alcohol. They drink whenever they’re out with friends, at parties, or at social gatherings
• They frequently make excuses for their excessive drinking or minimize how much they consume. They become defensive or secretive when questioned about their drinking habits.
• They hide or stash alcohol to avoid judgment.
• They struggle to control how much they drink once they start.
• They show signs of physical dependence, such as drinking first thing in the morning or getting antsy when in a place that serves alcohol.
• They break promises to cut back or stop drinking.
• They drink to relieve stress.
• They don’t seem intoxicated even if they’ve consumed several drinks, indicating that they’ve developed a tolerance.
• They get irritable when not drinking.
• They have a family history of alcohol use disorder (AUD), putting them at a greater risk for the disease than the general population.
• They display intense mood swings or personality changes between drinking and not drinking.
• They often come home intoxicated after a night of partying or spending time with friends.
• They always have a stash of alcohol available in the house.
• They struggle to control how much they drink once they start.
• They often exhibit alcohol withdrawal symptoms, such as tremors, agitation, nausea, vomiting, anxiety, and headaches.

Does This Sound Like a Loved One? Here’s What To Do

Alcoholism is a chronic mental health disorder. Many of those who suffer from it struggle with feelings of shame, denial, and fear, which can make it difficult for them to ask for help or even admit there’s a problem.

Here’s what you should do if your partner exhibits signs of alcohol abuse:

Educate Yourself

Familiarize yourself with the symptoms of alcohol use disorder, as well as the withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options.

Understanding the basics of AUD helps you recognize the challenges your significant other is facing and gives you an idea of how to support them. It also opens non-judgmental conversations, creating a safe space for your loved one to share their experiences.

Talk To Your Partner

Have an honest conversation about your partner’s drinking problem. Approach your partner when you’re both free and express how their drinking affects you and the relationship.

Don’t blame or criticize them, as this can cause them to become defensive or shut down the conversation.

Show empathy and concern, and let them know you’re coming from a place of care.

They may not admit they have a problem in the first few conversations, but don’t feel discouraged. Continue to express your concerns and let them know you’re willing to support them when they decide to seek help.

Encourage Them to Get Support

You can’t treat a person who doesn’t want to get treated. You can’t force them to get help or change if they’re not ready. Recovery is a personal decision, and whether or not they want to go through with it is ultimately their decision.

What you can do is encourage them to get help. Let them know where to seek help, the treatments available, and any other resource you’ve come across that might help them with their disorder.

Set Boundaries

Your support can only go so far. Just as you respect their boundaries, they should respect yours. If their behavior is starting to become a problem, establish clear boundaries.

If you live together, for example, you might set a rule that no drinking is allowed in the house. You can also let them know that yelling, blaming, or emotional manipulation (especially while under the influence) won’t be tolerated.

Make it clear that you won’t enable their drinking. If they cross any of the boundaries you’ve set, follow through with the consequences you communicated. Boundaries are only effective if they’re consistently upheld. For instance, if your partner starts coming home intoxicated, one boundary can be choosing not to engage with them while they are under the influence.

Other examples of boundaries include:

• No drinking in the house
• No drinking around you or the kids
• No lying or hiding alcohol use
• No using the joint bank accounts to pay for alcohol
• No using the car after drinking alcohol
• No conversations while intoxicated
• No covering up for mistakes or problems caused by drinking.

Consider Working With a Therapist

Therapy isn’t only useful for people struggling with alcoholism. It’s also a valuable tool for partners to express their concerns, process their feelings, and develop coping strategies in a safe and controlled space.

It’s also helpful when your partner is unwilling or hesitant to seek help alone. You and your partner can attend couples therapy to work through challenges together and address the impact of substance use on your relationship.

Prioritize Your Own Needs

People suffering from AUD aren’t inherently abusive. However, alcohol use can sometimes contribute to behaviors that are harmful or toxic, such as increased irritability, aggression, or poor impulse control.

If your partner displays abusive behavior, or you don’t feel safe in your home when your partner drinks, prioritize your safety above all else.

Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professional resources such as domestic violence hotlines and shelters.

No one deserves to be threatened or harmed, and help is available. It’s not weak or cowardly to leave a relationship you feel unsafe in, especially if your partner refuses to get help.

FAQs

---